OPEN LETTER TO A BUNCHA FUCKIN' ASSHOLES WARNING! ATENTION! ATCHUNG! Political content follows! If you don't care about this shit, don't worry... we'll return you to your regularly scheduled bullshit by this time tomorrow, with stories about a big rig full of sex-toys crashing and losing all its cargo, a girl in India who married a dog, and something about some celebrity doing something stupid. Until then, if the ongoing, orchestrated right-wing dismantling of democracy at home and abroad is of no interest to you, by all means, jump ahead to the jokes. - Jerky *** **** *** Dear NGOwatch.org; It has recently come to my attention that your website - a joint effort of the American Enterprise Institute and the Federalist Society for Law and Public Policy Studies - is on a mission to discredit, marginalize and render suspect so-called international NGOs, or non-governmental organizations, by "exposing" their funding, operations, and "agendas". During a recent all-day conference entitled "NGOs: The Growing Power of an Un-elected Few", various presenters went so far as to depict NGOs in a sinister light, characterizing them as "unaccountable," and - perhaps the gravest sin of all - "a threat" to the Bush administration's foreign policy goals. That the AEI and the Federalist Society should take personally any "threat" to the Bush administration is hardly surprising. After all, whether it's kick-starting a new round of Crusades for trumped up reasons, and with shadowy ulterior motives, or ripping the teeth out of any piece of environmental or labor-friendly legislation that comes across his desk, AEI's elite stable of neoconservative intellectuals-for-hire have been behind every signifigant policy initiative enacted by Preznit Dubya. Also, lest we forget, it was the Federalist-affiliated judges on the Supreme Court who enabled Dubya to steal the election in the first place... a favor which he returned by handing the Federalists the task of reviewing the credentials of federal judiciary appointees, after dismissing the annoyingly non-partisan American Bar Association, which had handled the task with distinction for fifty years, for a wide variety of administrations. So, as you can easily see, the reasons for your lack of objectivity in this regard are hardly mysterious. It strikes me, however, that even conservative movementarian true believers such as yourselves could not help but be aware of the jaw-dropping hypocrisy of some aspects of your stance. Take, for instance, the following statement, which was culled from your website: "NGOs have created their own rules and regulations and demanded that governments and corporations abide by those rules. Politicians and corporate leaders are often forced to respond to the NGO media machine, and the resources of taxpayers and shareholders are used in support of ends they did not sanction. The extraordinary growth of advocacy NGOs in liberal democracies has the potential to undermine the sovereignty of constitutional democracies, as well as the effectiveness of credible NGOs." Let's stop and think about this for a second... When you look at the situation objectively, couldn't the AEI and the Federalist Society also be considered "non-governmental" organizations? And what about the multinational corporations you seem to be so concerned about? After all, neither right-wing think tanks nor Big Business are beholden to the dictates of democracy. And they wield a far greater influence over governments than any of the organizations you have included on your enemies list, which includes such terrifying entities as Amnesty International, Greenpeace, Oxfam, etc. I mean, talk about the elephant being afraid of the mouse! But then again, you're not really afraid, are you? There must be a word to describe the kind of situationist ethical myopia being exhibited by your organization, here. Hypocrisy doesn't quite cut it. Neither does bullying. Machiavellian assholery? Nah... Chutzpah comes closer, but implies ignorance, and therefore leaves out the crucial "scheming" aspect of your behavior. I guess I'll have to sleep on it. For now, however, I would like to issue a challenge to all my friends who currently toil in the leather-trimmed, single-malt world of billionaire-funded right-wing think tanks: Why don't you brain brothel brethren devote some of your time, effort and expertise to something REAL for a change, instead of these utterly transparent, self-contradictory, diversionary, neo-fascist exercises in right-wing bullshit? Crawl out of the reactionary Ebony Dungeon you built to counter-act your paranoid delusions about the Ivory Tower of academia, and try to do something other than whip up white papers full of foregone conclusions supporting pre-decided outcomes! I mean, seriously... how can you do what you do and not want to put a fucking BULLET through your brainpan every waking moment of your miserable lives? Anyway, that's all for now. But be sure to punch Robert Bork in the face for me! HARD! Sincerely, Jerky LeBoeuf, esq. Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com

ON THESE DAYS! June 19 "No man can put a chain around the ankle of his fellow man without at last finding the other end fastened about his own neck." - Frederick Douglass Happy JUNETEENTH, everybody! *** **** *** On this day in the year 240 BC, using cosmological calculations, Eratosthenes estimates the circumference of the Earth to within a few dozen miles accuracy. Seeing as there were no Christians around back then, the old Greek suffered no punishment for his insolent, heretical knowledge-seeking. On this day in 1954, the Tasmanian Devil makes his debut in the Warner Bros. cartoon: Devil May Hare! Today, millions of steroid-snorting, pencil-dicked goons have adopted the whirling freak as their God, stamping his likeness on everything from muscle-shirts to mud-guards. I've said it before and I'll say it again... Anyone whose favorite Warner Bros. cartoon character is "Taz" is a person with whom you should avoid contact at all cost.

THEY SAID IT! "Yesterday, President Bush asserted that those who question the evidence he used to justify the pre-emptive war in Iraq are revisionist historians. Yet it is President Bush who is rewriting history. To justify the preemptive invasion of Iraq, the President claimed that the United States faced an imminent threat from Iraq's weapons of mass destruction and that the Iraqi regime had direct ties to Al Qaeda. Meanwhile, no reliable evidence has materialized to prove Iraqi support of Al Qaeda, and weapons of mass destruction have not been found. The American people shouldn't have to wait for the history books to be written to discover the truth. Did the President receive bad intelligence, or did his administration deliberately mislead Congress, the United Nations and the American people? An independent investigation must be held to determine what the President knew, and when he knew it. The American people deserve the truth." - Howard Dean - former governor of Vermont and Democratic candidate for President - refuses to let Preznit Dubya the Lesser get away with his fucking bully act bullshit. *** *** *** "It is very difficult to speak of what is happening in America without resorting to the hyperbolic cliches of anti-Americanism that have lost their meaning after so many decades, but that have now finally come true. ... Perhaps it cannot be stopped, but the first step toward slowing it down is the recognition that this is an American government unlike any other in this country's history, and one for whom democracy is an obstacle." - Eliot Weinberger's excellent, fact-packed essay - "What Is Happening In America?" - should be read by everyone. Please do like yer old pal Jerky and cut, paste, and pass it around. The url, for you Hotmailers with disabled links, is: http://www.rense.com/general38/happ.htm

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by our old pal Midwester... A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large." Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows." The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field in the distance. Amazed, he asks, "What the hell are those?!" The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?" *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Henry Bent for sending in today's second joke. There were twin sisters turning one hundred years old in St. Luke's Nursing Home. The editor of the local paper told a photographer to get over there and take some pictures of these 100 year old twins. One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well. When the photographer got there, he asked them to sit on the sofa and the deaf one said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" The twin answered, "He said, 'WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!'" "Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman. Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE." So they wiggled up close to each other. "Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer. Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!" With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US?!" WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Bruce Dibbs sent in today's worst joke. A little boy is getting ready for visitors & he goes up to his mom & dad's room.They're fighting(as usual). His mom says,'shut up bastard!' & the kid says,'mommy,mommy,what does that word mean?' 'it'sanother word for gentleman.' His dad says,'no it does not Bitch!'& the kid says,'Daddy,daddy,what does that word mean?' 'it means lady.' & the kid breaks up the fight.his mom goes to the bathroom & his dad goes to the kitchen.the kid goes to the bathroom & his mom says,'shit!'because she smeared makeup all over. & the kid says,'mommy what does that word mean?' 'it means makeup.'so the kid goes to the kitchen & his dad is cutting the turkey & he cuts himself & he says,'fuck' 'daddy,what does that word mean?' 'it means cutting.' & the little kid goes up to his sister's room & she's talking to her boyfriend on the phone & says,'you're such a dick!' 'sister, what does that word mean?' 'it means boyfriend.' And at that moment the doorbell rings and the kid opens the door.the visitors were there. the kid says,'Hello,bitches & bastards! my mom is in the bathroom putting shit on her face,my dad is in the kitchen fucking the turkey,and my sister is in her room talking to her dick!'

ASK JERKY! Relationship troubles? Philosophical quandaries? Nagging doubts about your spouse? Jerky knows the answer! Send your letter to the feedback address at the bottom of the page: Jerky; Each day brings new wonders in technology to us here in the good old USA inc. We have found ways to graduate illieterate people from learning institutions, ways to create such an admirable imbalance monetarily that our society boasts high numbers of both wealthy and homeless, we can find your stolen car, color chart clothes-pins from outer space and even make the ugly attractive without alcohol. We spend millions on comfort, convenience, tools for war and politicians who do not represent the will of the people. We cut budget funding for education, medical research, emergency preparedness, social welfare etc. And now... now we can track Gillette products from Wal-Mart to trailer homes all over the country. See this link if you think I'm shitting you. It is so reassuring to know I live in the best country on the planet instead of in one of those other ones demonstrating such misplaced priorities. NOT. I live in America, too. What is fundamentally wrong with us? DON'T BE AFRAID OF YOUR FREEDOM!!! Signed: BK Welcome my son. Welcome to the machine. Where have you been? It's alright... we know where you've been. And we know the route you took to get there. And we know when and where you stopped for gas on the way. And we know your blood type. And we know that you're behind on your car payments. And we know what you do online. And offline. And we know what books you've been reading. Which means we know what you're thinking. Which means you've got a big problem on your hands. *** **** *** Jerky; This marathon of debauchery in the Catholic church begs the question "If these guys (the faithful representatives of GOD) believe the message they've been preaching, why would they allow themselves the indulgences of the flesh?" OR "Is it possible that there is more to GOD than the church wants anybody to know?" Can't trust church or state in the best country on the planet! Signed: Will Koep Hey Will! Imagine how bad it was when the Church WAS the state! Now imagine how bad it'll be if we allow Preznit Dubya's agenda - part of which involves stripping away the foundational constitutional concept of the separation of church and state - to be fully enacted! So... what are we gonna do about it, eh? What are YOU gonna do about it? *** **** *** MOPJ... That guy, Chris Farai, who sent in the soapbox about fat chicks and their 'perfect poopers', sure went a long way to prove that it's OK to fuck a fat chick. His verbosity is only matched by his desire to vilify that which he cannot have. Look, man. I've been on some of the finest and also some of the fattest poontang in this country and I'm here to tell you, the tiny, gymnastic body type is much, much more fun for both the man AND the woman. I'm convinced that obesity in women, particularly married women, is the root cause for infidelity in relationships. A man looks at his 300 pound wife and knows he will never get to the bottom of that poontang. A tight little body is much more flexible and fun, and you can get all of your manhood inside. Look, it's ok if you like to trumpet your conquests with fat chicks. Just don't put down tight-bodies who like to take care of themselves. Most of the time, they are more active in the sack than the beached whales you've been molesting. Signed: Sofaking Sofaking must be one of those skinny dudes who has recurring nightmares about getting snapped in two at the pelvis, then violently sucked up some adipose angel's anatomy, where he dies a miserable death-by-suffocation, due to a combination of constriction and fluid inhalation. Damn... that's almost Gilbert and Sullivan!

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: POT... IT DOES A BODY GOOD! Care of: Chris Ewall Dear Jerky, I wanted to take a few moments of your time (put down the joint and read this with your full attention, please) to talk about the need to ensure the rights of Medical Marijuana and those whom are in need of it. First, I want to make it clear, I smoked pot for the majority of my younger life. There was only one period of time I was "pot free" and that was while I served my country in the US Air Force. I am 44 years old, so I would say I smoked pot on a daily basis for at least 25 years. All the bull shit that the government is currently spouting about the evils of pot is just another way for Republicrates to control another section of society. Watch out, they are coming after your "impure thoughts" next. But my point, I broke my neck when I was 15, in a body surfing accident... the damage to my nervous system did not become an issue until I turned 30. At the age of 40, I had to undergo surgery to regain the use of my left arm... the disc around the fracture became another bone, and cut off the nerves, resulting in no use. Since the surgery, I am forced to live on a six hour drug routine in order to maintain some sort of "normal" life. But, and this is the saddest thing, I can't smoke pot anymore. The effect of the THC on my damaged nerves is something like the pain I get when I have to listen to that Bush guy speak... unbearable. But I know that there are many people who need, or could use, the magical, relaxing, appetite increasing effects of this natural medicine. I was, and still am, an activist for the cause of making pot a legal option for those who need it's powerful medical applications. I also believe that if the assholes who "run" this country would legalize it, they could fix the budget deficit, feed the starving, house the homeless, and generally mellow-out the attitude of everyone, from the revenue legal pot sales would generate, not to mention Hemp production and its value. I guess what I am getting at is that I believe that you are in the unique position of being able, through the thought provoking ability you display in writing The Dirt, to get the message out. To make a change. Or not. But recent events in my home town of Santa Cruz CA, have shown that the dogs of control have gone beyond the bark, and are now kicking down the doors. And if people with the means, like yourself, and The Dirt, do not use their power to educate and alarm, well I guess we are fucked. But you said that already. Anyway, thanks for your time... you can finish your blunt now. As always, I am, The CoolMuZicMan [You know me, CMZ... "educate" and "alarm" are two of my sixteen hundred middle names! - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com